


For Dummies: How to (Not) Seduce Commander Erwin

by TheSilverField



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, not meant to be taken seriously, this is the crackiest thing i have ever written
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-06-08 22:33:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15253518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSilverField/pseuds/TheSilverField
Summary: Sure, Zevi is great. But have you ever tried Zerwin? (Zerwin? Erweke? We'll figure it out.)





	1. Attempt #1

**Author's Note:**

> This one's for you, Revi.<3

Contrary to popular belief, seducing Commander Erwin Smith is not an easy task. It takes patience and persistence, determination, and a level of bull-headedness that is unmatched. It takes someone with walls around their heart, someone willing to withstand the pain of rejection over and over, but not for the reasons you may think.

You’re not getting rejected because Erwin doesn’t see you as more than just a comrade destined to die in this cesspool of a regiment. No, if the Commander doesn’t like you, you’re not even given the time of day.

You’re being rejected because this big, blonde, bolo-wearing bozo has _no idea_ what the hell is happening.

That’s right. Erwin Smith, a man revered for his brilliance and genius, is _oblivious_ when it comes to flirting. He’s got to be the most vanilla motherfucker I’ve ever met in all my fucking life. He’s too innocent for words, really. I don’t know why so many people think he’s some kinky sex-god hellbent on fucking the life out of every person to walk this fucking earth.

He’s a virgin. He’s never touched or been touched. I don’t even know if he’s ever given himself the ol’ one-two! Erwin’s as pure as the driven snow.

 _Fuck,_ I want to fuck him so bad.

Which leads us to this moment. The here and now.

While our ignorant daffodil of a Commander had stepped out for a meeting, I had taken it upon myself to pull out the big guns. No, I’m not talking about my dick. At least not yet. (Though it is big.) I’m talking about something that Erwin couldn’t miss. Something his fragile virgin body wouldn’t be able to resist.

I sneak into his room and get quick to work. Dressed in a sexy maid costume, I begin taking my time in cleaning his office and adjoining bedroom. Dusting, sweeping, straightening the clutter. I even clean his bathroom. The man is about to lose his virginity for God’s sake! It should happen in a clean atmosphere damnit! I’m going to spoil him rotten!

I’m just finishing making the bed when I hear the office door open, Erwin’s footsteps grow louder as he approaches his bedroom. I bend over just as he steps through the door, giving him the phenomenal view of my upper thighs and the smallest glimpse of my ass. “Welcome home, _daddy._ ” I purr as I turn to look at him over shoulder, smirking when I see his eyes pouring over me.

 _This is it. I’ve got him! His dick is_ **_mine!_ **

But, contrary to popular belief, seducing Commander Erwin Smith is not an easy task. His crystalline blue eyes turn confused as he huffs in exasperation. “Zeke, I’ve told you a million times. I’m not your father.”

Hi. My name is Zeke Jaeger, the Beast Titan, and I’m a fucking failure.

I’m gonna make this man pop a boner if it’s the last thing I do.


	2. Master's Log

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diary entry by (still thirsty) Zeke Jaeger.

_ Dear Diary, _

_ Today is my time to fucking shine. I’ve finally figured out how I’m going to score Commander Virgin Smith. _

_ That’s right, Diary. (Is it disrespectful to call you that? I should give you a proper name.) Today is the day I throw all caution to the wind and hop on that dick. When he gets back to his quarters today, I’ll be there. Waiting.  Naked. He won’t know what hit him.  _

_ I know I should probably give up, but I just can’t help myself. I want that man to go so deep in my ass that I’ll taste it when he comes. (Was that too graphic, Diary? I’m sorry, I’ll censor myself next time.) _

_ Anyway, long story short, I have a master plan and the next time you hear from me, Erwin won’t be a virgin anymore.  He will be MINE!!!! _

_ Zeke (aka Beast Boy) out. _

_ (PS: How do you like the name Phil?) _


End file.
